Bumper Stickers: There but not here.
They're everywhere in America, occasionally on bumpers too. I'm not going to single out any type of message (conservative, liberal, bragging about your kid's grades) I'm just pointing out that, in general, car bling is something you N E V E R really see in Denmark. Some of it makes the driver look fucking insane. Why we don't see them here in DK utterly baffles me but I think I'm figuring it out. A mini-vinyl-crowd-announcement to the general public is "showy" and "showy" is some seriously anti-Danish behavior.
Nothing says "I'm a fantastically ineffective fanatic" better than Comic Sans
Actually, I did hear that someone saw one the other day in Copenhagen... apparently it just said "SHUT UP BITCH". I imagine it was the most offensive thing Danish drivers had seen in ages. I also imagine, keeping with Scandinavian design sense, the typeface was properly spaced with just the perfect font-weight and kerning as to not overload any one side of the visual. The colors were most likely complimentary, as in such a small area, you wouldn't want any distracting hues or saturations to diffuse the message that shutting up is what the bitch should do. That's what would occupy Danske kofanger klistermærke makers; creating vehicle-hosted insults that still look calm, clean, pleasing. Which is why we probably don't see them.
Come to think of it, it's not just bumper stickers that you don't see in Denmark. It's ANY kind of vehicle adornment. Dead pet memorials. Bowling Scores. God fetishes. And pick-up trucks have a special built-in canvas for expressing one's insanity...
Read it. Go on. He's way better at spelling that you. (Photo credit : Shawn “Da Snipah” McKelvie)
I recently dispatched my crack team of researchers to find out just what types of messages we Americans glue to our cars most frequently. Here is the list I came up with in the order I thought would sound funniest:
Political (40%). Because studies show people really DO change their opinions based on how many stickers they saw any given day expressing particular socio-economic points-of-view. It's totally the same with Facebook comments and blogs. Wink-wink.
Kids' Grades (19%). Stop it. Just sit them down, face-to-face and TELL them you're genuinely proud of their achievement. It'll mean way more to them. Slapping their honor roll upside your Escalade is cool for 2 minutes. Because unless you make them closely jog behind the car everywhere you go, it's just going to get ignored by Johnny. Plus, he may not want all that pressure next semester from random motorists wondering if he kept up the hard work. Imagine the tsk-tsks. So peel it off, Tiger Daddy!
(Non)Funny Shit (10%). Your other car is a Lambo. You'd rather be golfing. Beam me up, Scotty. You could always get one that simply states "I'm a Twat" and cover all three bases? No? Carry on.
Jesus (30%). I'm telling you, I talk to him intermittently during sex and when I go to the doctor's and I assure you he Doesn't. Give. A. Fuck. Mainly because he doesn't actually exist in which case you've just wasted 4 bucks and a shitload of street cred. Smite it off thine Saturn!
Testicles (1%). Ok they're not stickers but why the fuck do people hang these from their hitches? Is their car their meta-penis? If so, why is the prick on the inside?
nb: Percentages are 101% accurate and totes scientifics.
This is definitely how other humans will know to avoid eye contact with you.
So, why don't we see them in Denmark? Is it because Danes pay 150% tax (along with all their passwords, mortgages and first-borns) on a car purchase so putting plastic shit all over it is stupid? Does it perhaps have anything to do with Jantelaw? - the collective Nordic view stating, among other self-effacing properties, that despite what Beyoncé may have told you, you're actually not really better than anyone else and therefore you cannot elevate yourself to a position of authoritative boasting or instruction. It's like Australia's Tall Poppy syndrome except with Elderberries.
I think it's a mix of the two; insanely expensive cars, and the common idea that "Hey, I don't need to show anything off" and "I don't want to draw any attention to myself because that makes me stand out". We Americans don't mind standing out. We crave it. Even if it makes us look batshit crazy.