We have been in Denmark nearly four years to the day of our arrival… July 9, 2016.

Being here has helped each of us grow, given opportunities non-existent in the U.S. and exposed us to yet another culture and worldview. It has been an invaluable experience and we love it here.

However, it has also made us realize that no matter how long we stay we will never be Danish and, more importantly, helped us see what we truly love and miss about America*.

Inasmuch, there are some things that really suck about living here.

Preface:

I’m not listing friends and family. Of course they would be top of the list. For fuck’s sake what kind of monster do you think I am? Oh, and this is a joke blog post… the world isn’t coming to an end because I cannot find a mixed bag of Jolly Ranchers here.
Also, in some of these cases, if you’re really an overanalyzer, things that suck do so only through appearance and a reason they suck is ultimately a societal benefit. One example is product delivery. There is no amazon.com in the Kingdom of Denmark. While there’s amazon.uk in Britain and amazon.de for consumers in Germany, there’s nothing like that here. Speedy delivery seems to be an unDanish thing. It can often take 2 weeks for somethings to arrive after paying for them. On the surface, and for those of us used to almost instant gratification (we are admittedly such a family) that is quite the shock soon after arrival. However, there appear to be legitimate reasons for the lengthier-than-American wait times. No, it’s not that Denmark is some 3rd world socialist hellhole as Fox News would have its minions believe. It’s because companies like Amazon 1) fuck over their workers and 2) can effortlessly push out small local businesses. More precisely, Amazon leads the vanguard of union-busting tech companies that require a large, poorly paid, and benefit-free workforce to remain as profitable as their shareholders demand. Amazon is able to offer such low prices because they have a razor-thin profit margin on each individual item but remains profitable because of the shear volume of their sales.

So yeah, some things suck but actually don’t… if that makes sense(?).

Anyway, the following list isn’t about those kinds of “suck” (though if you dig you’d probably find out the hidden benefits - but I’m not about to).

THE LIST

1. BBQ. There’s only 1 (one) place in the entire country we have found that does a decent BBQ (in fact it’s REALLY, REALLY good). That’s War Pigs BrewPub in Copenhagen. It’s excellent. But… you’d think there’d be more joints in a country that loves meat and potatoes (french fries were invented by The Potatoes). Actually, the Danish idea of variety is well exemplified through a potato… you can get it boiled, steamed, fried, flattened into a pancake, mashed and pommes fritted.

2. Store hours. Basically, if you don’t have your weeknight shopping done by 5 or 6pm, you’re in for the night. Weekends are a tad more forgiving… the closing time is around 7pm. There are a few grocery stores open until 10pm but they’re very rare beyond the bounds of Copenhagen and I’ve never personally found a 24-hour place outside of a 7/11. This is weird considering pubs can be open until 6am. Yes.. I’ve drunkenly walked out of a pub at 3:30am with the sun blazing above. Anyway - yeah, store hours = shit.

3, Making Friends. Ok, on this one we hold our hands up. We haven’t exactly thrown ourselves into learning Danish (1. everyone speaks English so well, 2. we knew we weren’t going to live here forever and 3. it’s a fucking svært sprog!) Having said that, it’s no secret or (entirely) due to personal laziness that making pals here is tough. Part of that is the lack of small-talk. I do not at all miss 10-minute conversations with complete strangers in line at BestBuy but a “Hi!” doesn’t kill. The kids speak Danish well and have many Danish friends.. so maybe just it’s a feckless parent thing? Either way, WE FUCKING MISS AND LOVE ALL OUR FRIENDS.

4. Chinese Food. Yes, another food based complaint. I’m talking American-styled, General Tso commanded, served on red & gold paper placemats ringed with an ancient formula for finding your birth-year-spirit-animal and finished with a half-decade stale fortune cookie all under a faded poster of dish photos taken in the Year of the Polaroid, chinese food. If you can order a reliably good hot WonTon soup tonight… do so, but dear god, please think of us.

5. The price of stuff. Probably related to the earlier point about amazon.com, but damn. New car registrations are off the chart expensive at around 150% the vehicle’s value, mortgages and rent are on par with San Francisco and New York. It doesn’t stop at big tags either. Redken shampoo, for example…. easily found in any dumpy CVS is about $25 - $30 a bottle. Electronic gear is even worse at about a 35-50% mark-up. Yet, there are Ferrari and Aston Martin dealerships just down the road we live on and people don’t have greasy hair? Somehow they’re all managing.

6. Weather. Specifically East Coast style, humidity-clearing, Will-We-Lose-The-Router, violent thunderstorms. We don’t get them here. In fact, Danish weather is boring. I think they built it that way for the cyclists. There have been maybe four storms in four years? It rains and drizzles, sure… but nothing like the mid-July, non-cocaine based crack o’lightning you can get in Maryland. The kind that lights up the house and drops the temperature by 15 degrees upon departure. It’s funny, things you once hate can become things you long for. (Here’s a comparison of climates)

7. Familiarity. Do you know where to go to get light bulbs? What about shoe polish? Is it difficult to name the store that would carry decorative muffin-tray liners? Ever been searching for Star Wars figurines and uncovered a hankering for pistachios? Lastly, is there pretty much one store that would have ALL those items in myriad choices? Yeah? Well, there fucking isn’t here. I’m sure if we lived in Denmark for 10 years we’d find a Danish style Target but thus far… one-stop-shopping here is a scavenger hunt adventure in which you’re given half the map and someone has pissed all over the list of articles.

*The America we love is the one that’s (hopefully) finally waking up to its systemic racism, police brutality and the vulgarity of the current administration. The one that champions itself as a beacon of light and hope in the world for people of all colors, creeds, and identification.